Valentine’s Gonk Line-Up by Rose Proffitt

Description

Alleged Offenders

Charges:
• Stealing hearts
• Excessive cuteness
• Unauthorised Valentine vibes

These four gonks have been lined up as prime suspects in a recent spike of love-related incidents. Each is believed to be armed with fluffy beards, cosy hats, and dangerously charming expressions. Proceed with caution.

Suspect #1 – First-Degree Heart Theft
Known for shy charm and a disarming presence. Claims innocence. Authorities remain unconvinced.

Suspect #2 – Aggravated Valentine Vibes
Frequently seen flaunting a heart in public. Considered the ringleader. Smiles during questioning.

Suspect #3 – Weaponised Cuteness
Uses bold colour coordination and intense cuteness to overwhelm victims. Highly dangerous.

Suspect #4 – Conspiracy to Cause Awws
Quiet, observant, and calculated. Strikes when defences are down.

Status: Still at large
Public Advisory: Adoption is highly likely. Resistance is futile.

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